September 16, 2015 / 3:26 pm

The Official Unofficial WIUX Weekly Horoscope, Episode 2: The Gang Reads Their Horoscopes

I’m back! You know what this means? This week’s edition of TOUWWH (which is a horribly unintelligible acronym) is the beginning of something new. The WIUX channel on premium cable has seen the pilot and given me the series order. And it’s a whole 24-episode season, not any sort of weak sauce 13-episode stuff. The Emmy’s are buzzing, and a spin-off prequel series called “Better Call Coll” is in the works. Let me know when the metaphor has exhausted itself.

As we break into week two of this fantastic new journey, remind yourself of last week’s installment and how you felt at this time last week. Younger? Older? (I’m looking at you, Benny Button.) Good. Anyways, here’s Wonderwall.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Hey there, water goats. You’d be surprised how far your odd talents can get you this week. Show off on that date you have coming up by showing them how much of your fist you can fit in your mouth. Ask your boss for a raise in Klingon. Show your parents how you can light your farts on fire. The possibilities are endless!

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Remember the money that you gave to the Leo last week? This week, go back and find them. React irrationally to the fact that they “stole money” from you and demand it back.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): I’m reminded of a quote I saw on the Internet made up earlier this week: “Push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex’s house down. I believe in you.” If this doesn’t make it on a Chipotle cup, I don’t know what will. **Editor’s note: Katie, if you’re reading this, the whole “house burning” thing is a symbol. I’m sorry. My house is made of wood. Please no.**

Aries (3/21 – 4/20): Take up speaking in a new accent this week. Don’t explain it if anyone asks. Pretend like it’s been there the whole time. Or pretend like it doesn’t even exist. Use some creative liberty here.

Taurus (4/21 – 5/21): Dress up as a clown and cheer people up this week. Hit the local grocery store. Drop by the bank. Show up at the local school. Maybe you actually shouldn’t do this. Don’t do this.

Gemini (5/22 – 6/21): Express yourself. Make a Lay’s potato chip flavor. And I don’t mean design it online. I mean actually make it. Crush up random food bits, toss ‘em in a bag of Lay’s and see where you end up. If it ends up being surprisingly delicious, then shoot me an email. Let’s hang and eat your weird chips.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22): Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m officially a poet, and you can be too! Sit down and make yourself become the writer you’ve always dreamed of becoming. A poet. A novelist. A Twilight fan-fic artist and eventual screenwriter. Or anything in between!

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Take a vacation this week. Treat yourself with all that money from the Aquarius’ (Aquari?). The earlier you spend it, the better.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/23): Tell every single person that you have a dream about that they were in your dream the night before. The high school teacher that is now your Facebook friend would appreciate you catching up. Your fifth grade crush might be looking for a new texting buddy. You never know what it could lead to.

Libra (9/24 – 10/22): I was asked to focus more on Libras this week. Classic Libra. HEY EVERYONE, LOOK OVER HERE. THIS IS THE HOROSCOPE FOR LIBRAS. Don’t like the answers you’re given? Maybe it’s because the answers were inside of you the whole time, you silly Libra ;-).

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/22): The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Sagittarius (11/23 – 12/21): You know what would make life better for everyone? If you had a sweet new catchphrase. Say it everywhere you go. And when you do, yell it. It would be appreciated even more if it was a clear rip off of an already established catchphrase like, “Did I do that?”