September 9, 2015 / 1:56 pm

The Official Unofficial WIUX Weekly Horoscope Episode 1: The Phantom Horoscope

So, here we are. The school season has once again officially begun. As you sink into your first few weeks of classes and things like walking into the wrong lecture hall become less of a worry, and you spend that 4-hour discussion section zoning out and thinking about other things, you start to reevaluate the level of spirituality in your life. “But Collin,” you begin to ask (not knowing who Collin is, but it feels so right), “how can I get back in tune with the universe? With the planets?” Well never fear, because I (PS hey I’m Collin) have your celestial hook-up. I’ve been spoken to; not by anyone of any spiritual or cultural significance, but people talk to me all the time. So if you’re looking for some guidance in how to live your life this week and want a bit of insight as to what this cuh-razy world has got in store for you, I think I’m your clear authority figure. Trust me, I’m getting a music degree.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Are you aware of what a Capricorn is? It’s a freakin’ water goat! You are a water goat. So congratulations, you are the second coolest group of people on this list (I have a bias, as a non-water goat). Your horoscope is to revel in the fact that you are a WATER GOAT this week.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Give money to a Leo this week. Don’t know any Leos? Walk around the place with the most foot traffic in your town and stop people to ask for their sun sign. Strangers love that s**t.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Enjoy this warm weather when we’ve still got it. Go to the local body of water and go fishing. Get it? Because…fishing…Pisces…fish…

Aries (3/21 – 4/20): You will receive fantastic news this week! Or maybe horrible news. Who’s to say? You will receive news though, so be prepared to feel some emotion.

Taurus (4/21 – 5/21): Call or text your siblings this week. See what they’re up to. Because seriously Tyler, it would be really nice if you would JUST REACH OUT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.

Gemini (5/22 – 6/21): You will, at some point this week, read your horoscope on a college radio station’s website. You will be shocked by it’s accuracy.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22): Your pets will betray you this week if you wrong them. Make sure you keep your eye on them, and give them extra kibbles after potty tonight.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Ask an Aquarius for money this week. Who knows, maybe it’ll work out in your favor.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/23): Picking up a new hobby will work in your favor. Play bingo with the old folks. Be competitive. Yell at a grandma. The world will smile upon you.

Libra (9/24 – 10/22): The grass is always greener on the other side. Where’s the other side, you ask? Find it yourself, I’m not f*****g Mapquest.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/22): What’s cookin’, good lookin’? Go that extra mile this week: spend the extra minute on that mid-class Snapchat selfie. Make it your story for *gasp* all ten seconds. Save it to your phone and put it on Instagram for #selfiesunday. You’ve got it, so flaunt it! Amirite, ladies?

Sagittarius (11/23 – 12/21): Prepare yourself, because someone will likely complain to you about how stupidly challenging it is to spell Saj-i-tair-ee-iss. Wtf is that? It’s spelled like it should be pronounced Sag-i-tuh-tair-yus. Your horoscope is to write a letter to your congressman and work this out.