The Gang’s All Hair
As the new year rolls around and the NBA season reaches its midway point, it’s about time to give out some midseason awards. But instead of giving out some lame accolades like “Best Player”, which is so obviously Nick Young, or “Most Improved Player, which also goes to Nick Young, we here at WIUX have some real honors to award. From Dr. J to the present, a trademark of the NBA has been the wacky and superb hairdos that particular players sport.
Today in this hair-piece, we see which players are leading the league thus far. But before we begin, let’s go over some ground rules.
- Only one type of haircut is allowed. Thus, some players will be left out due to copying or just not pulling off the cut as well as their counterparts.
- There will be two groups of five, like the All-NBA squads, which will be broken down into positions. This isn’t like that rinky-dink All-Star Game where it’s just guards and forwards. This matters!
- No touching of the hair and/or face.
SECOND TEAM ALL-NBA
A rookie? Damn right, a rookie. We here at WIUX don’t care about age, stats or what team you play on. All that matters is what’s above your forehead, and Payton makes it work. His hair may seem all mangled and messy, but we believe Payton has done this on purpose. He plays with an unfiltered swagger that meshes perfectly with his fresh cut. It’s not just about what you wear but how you pack it up.
This one’s a no-brainer. Douglas-Roberts has one of the most unique hairstyles in the league. What sort of looks like a hundred spiders crawling on his head is in fact one of the most unique and interesting looks in the NBA. Although he’s not a star on the court, his hair is the star of any party. Even though Douglas-Roberts plays for the Clippers, let’s hope no clippers are headed his way.
How Copeland plays in this haircut is unfathomable, but the amount of swag it brings is worth the weight. With the hair that never quits, Copeland brings Indiana that much needed spark for a struggling Pacers squad. On a team that lost Paul George to injury and has Rodney Stuckey playing meaningful minutes, Pacers fans need something to look at, so why not Chris Copeland’s luxurious locks?
The New York Knicks may have made the best hair trade of the season. Not only did they get rid of Iman Shumpert, who recently traded his flattop for a crew-cut (BOO!!!), but they also added Amundson, whose hair has improved since entering the league. Amundson has a tremendous ponytail that is far and away the best in the league, but more importantly, he can straighten it and change his whole look at a moment’s notice. This versatility gives Amundson so many possibilities and catapults him into the top ten.
This was a tough call because he could have easily been on the first team, but Gortat should be proud to be the second-best center in the NBA (hair wise). Gortat had a great first season in Washington last year, playing wise, but brought nothing to the table follicle-ly. After a disappointing start, Gortat created this Mohawk and showed DC just how great his hair can be.
FIRST TEAM ALL-NBA
Known for his speed and quick first-step, the key to Cole’s game is the flattop. Perhaps the most difficult style to pull off, Norris Cole has made the flattop his signature and year-after-year has had the best hair at the point guard position. What accentuates the cut however is the beard that meshes perfectly and creates a hair game that is a force to be reckoned with.
This selection may seem like it’s coming out of left field, but Ginobili really deserves it. This award isn’t for Most Hair, but for Best Hair. Ginobili has a bald spot but he wears it with grace and, in fact, utilizes it to his advantage. Opposing players have been known to go blind when looking at the spot, and the main reason that the Spurs have been a dominant basketball powerhouse for so long is Ginobili’s acceptance of his limitations, not just on the court but also on the top of his head.
After winning the NBA Finals MVP and succeeding at the highest level of basketball, many thought that Leonard would not be able to reach this apex again. However, today, Leonard has a new, and probably more important, trophy to add to his collection. Leonard plays smart, clean and crisp, which is reflected, in his hair choice with well-ordered and immaculate braids. He really has a bright future. Also, his hair looks like this when he doesn’t have the braids in, so he’s a shoe-in.
Yeah, yeah, I know. I said that none of the top ten can have the same haircut, but rules are meant to be broken. Gortat and Anderson’s Mohawks are essentially different haircuts due to length and stylistic choices, and thus I’m allowing it. Also, this is an article about NBA players’ hair so if you really have a problem with it, perhaps you should get off of the Internet. The Birdman has become known for his trademark hair, and for good reason, because it’s awesome. Anderson strikes fear into the hearts of his opponents, and the reason they call him the Birdman is that once a bird flew into his Mohawk and was never seen again.
Rounding out the top five is Sideshow Bob … I mean, Robin Lopez. This is a common mistake and one of the main reasons for Lopez’s inclusion to the top five. Lopez is not copying Bob but instead honoring the famous cartoon villain with a similar haircut. Lopez may not be the best center, but he certainly has the best hair for a big man and should be saluted.
Follow Greg on Twitter @gott31 and listen to him on “The Roundtable” Thursdays from 6-7 pm