November 12, 2014 / 3:40 pm

The 7 Stages of Hozier

It’s been ten months since the fateful day I heard Hozier’s voice for the first time. If you weren’t already on board with the Irish singer-songwriter, his flawless debut album probably converted you. Maybe you’ve just heard “Take Me To Church” or maybe you’ve listened to the entire album at least four times a day since its release. Wherever you’re at in the process, I want to let you know I’m here for you. We can get through this.

Stage 1: Discovery

This is the beginning. Yeah, people have been talking about this “Take Me To Church” song, but you bet it’s not even that good. Five seconds in–OH. MY. GOD.

Symptoms may include: Gasping, loss of appetite, manic episodes, calling your mom and crying over the phone, etc.

Stage 2: Disbelief

Similar to denial, disbelief is what happens as your brain tries to make sense of what you’re hearing. Maybe you’re thinking, “This guy probably only has one good song. Surely, they can’t all be as amazing.” But they are. All of them.

*note the side eye at 2:42*

Symptoms may include: Weeping, the urge to pull out your hair, punching the nearest wall, etc.

Stage 3: Love

At this stage, you’re ready to buy a plane ticket to Ireland and settle down. Hozier is the real deal. You begin ferociously pinning wedding dresses to that Pinterest board we both know you have.

Symptoms may include: forgetting to do daily tasks, watching interviews to feel “closer” to him, refusing dates because you’re “totally in a serious relationship,” neglecting all other music

Stage 4: Obsession

This is similar to the previous stage, but because you have the internet, you can literally listen/look at/stalk Hozier 24/7. Your friends might be getting concerned for you at this point as you’ve openly bragged about the bubble gum shrine (a la Hey Arnold!) you’ve created in Hozier’s likeness.

Symptoms may include: hyperventilating, sobbing, throwing your desk chair through your window, temporary blindness, etc.

Stage 5: Agony

You can’t take it anymore. It’s all too much. How are you supposed to do anything but lie down on the floor and stay there until you die? How are you supposed to socialize, eat, bathe?

Symptoms may include: total loss of fine motor skills, forgetting how to speak, silent crying

Stage 6: Acceptance

Okay, so Hozier exists in the world. You still have to live your life! At this point, you leave the house again (hey, it only took 5 months!!); you start to shower regularly. Good for you. I’m proud of you.

Symptoms have subsided at this point. Some form of normalcy has resumed.

Stage 7: Relapse

You thought you were over it, but who were you kidding? Don’t bother trying to hide it. Embrace this crazy, soul-crushing love. Hozier is light! Hozier is love!