December 31, 2017 / 6:51 pm

Rappers as Guests at Your New Year’s Eve Party

Imagine this: It’s the last day of 2017. Your mom and dad are have made plans to ring in the new year at your Aunt Rachel’s house and your snitch of an older sister is headed downtown because she’s dumb and is willing to pay $130 for a ticket to an alcohol sponsored party. This means you have the house to yourself. What are you going to do? Obviously throw a banger.

Here’s what you could expect from some of hip hop’s biggest names if they were guests at your house party:

(Please note that rappers is used as an encapsulating term for all involved in the hip hop community. Please do not write me complaining that some of these people are not actually rappers)


Lil Uzi Vert: This is the kid who ends up drinking one too many Four Loko’s and jumping off of the roof of your parents’ house at midnight because he’s unbelievably hype for the new year to begin.

French Montana: French is the guy who sneaks into your dad’s office and breaks open his liquor cabinet. He will return to this party carrying an aged brandy in one hand and smoking a Cuban with the other. You’re going to have to figure out how to replace your dad’s treasures in the morning, but you’re going to let it slide tonight because he just looks so cool.

Cardi B: Cardi is the girl who causes your basement to cave in because she decided it would be a good idea to use the support beam as a stripper pole.

Young Metro: The dude who keeps stealing the aux to play his own mixtape.

Lil Pump: Lil Pump is the younger sibling of someone who was actually invited. When he found out where is older brother was going tonight, he decided to head over there as well. He’s super underage, so you continually will have to kick him out. This will happen upwards of 3 times.

Lil Yachty: Just after midnight everyone is going to be ready to chill and they’ll start asking for food. You’re scrambling around the kitchen pulling out all the Doritos and Oreos you can. Lil Yachty is the homie who saves the day by having pizza delivered for the entire party.

Migos: Quavo and Offset are the super fly dudes who hang by the bar all night and chat up the ladies. They never once notice that their friend Takeoff has been missing all night.

Bryson Tiller: He’s the sad boy who’s drunk dialing his ex in your sister’s bathroom.

Big Sean and Jhene Aiko: The couple who makes out in the corner the entire night no matter what is happening about them. They 100% Snapchat their midnight kiss.

Jaden Smith: No one knew this dude could dance until tonight when he started moonwalking and never stopped.

Eminem: He’s the high school senior who used to sell you pot when you were in 8th grade and everyone agrees that he’s way too old to be here, but you feel bad telling him to leave because he did you and all of you friends a solid all those years ago.

Diddy: The one who brings all the alcohol and puts a sticker for his small business on it and then carries around a fifth and holds it up in every picture.

Drake: The guy who stays on the dance floor all night who can’t actually dance. He is gone off of one shot of Hennessy. Everyone at your party will put him on their Snap Story.

DJ Khaled: He is the kid who became the unofficial party historian by making the decision to Snapchat the entire party. It’s really annoying, but you’re thankful because you now know who caused the support beam to break in the basement.

Post Malone: He’s the bro who thought it would be funnier to spill alcohol on the floor than drink it. He’ll feel bad and return to help you clean up in the morning.

J. Cole: Subtweets you because he wasn’t invited.