JOB OPENING: CBS Sports Graphic Designer
It’s March Madness.
IU is in the Sweet Sixteen!
CBS Sports controls the broadcasting rights for the tournament, which also means that their graphics team has the opportunity to create all sorts of cool #shareable graphics for all you sports fans out there.
This is one of the graphics they created for the Sweet Sixteen. I will breakdown exactly what happened to each of these poor mascots (and Tom Crean) that led them to looking like…this.
Duke Blue Devils (top left):
Duke, hilariously rhymes with puke, which is exactly what the Blue Devil is pointing at. Wait, is that actually a dance move? Oh that’s sad.
Have you ever seen something look so dead in the eyes? It’s like Big Jay saw the future, and Donald Trump is the president and all Jay can do is mindlessly cheer at the tournament; not even a number 1 seed for Kansas can dull his mental anguish.
Imagine waking up every morning and looking in the mirror, knowing you’re a bulldog but looking like a bear. Imagine working out everyday, believing that bulging biceps and tremendous triceps will fix your insecurities. Except then they don’t. And that’s when you become the Gonzaga mascot.
University of Virginia Cavaliers:
A number notable people call themselves UVA alumni. The first three that come up when you google “university of virginia mascot” are Tina Fey, Woodrow Wilson, and Larry Sabato (he wrote my AP U.S. gov textbook). The Cavaliers are also commonly referred to as the Wahoos, or Hoos for short (oh my god that is so embarrassing). So, with that knowledge it appears that this “Wahoo,” dressed in traditional Revolutionary-era garb (did you know that Thomas Jefferson founded UVA?) is participating is a strange secret society ritual (UVA has a lot of secret societies), praising their notable alumni.
Iowa State Cyclones:
According to common lore (Wikipedia), since a cyclone was difficult to represent as a mascot, ISU chose Cy the Cardinal to represent their school. Unsurprisingly, Iowa State is also a technology-centric school, as any liberal arts institution would have easily figured out a way to make a cyclone a mascot. (Then again, maybe not. See IU below). Anyway, if you look at CBS’s artistic representation of Cy, you would think that ISU’s mascot is more of a T. rex with with a Barry Bonds circa 2004 steroid problem. Just look that those eyes and teeth!!
North Carolina Tar Heels:
The Tar Heel just silently farted in public and thought it would go unnoticed, except for that it smelled SO badly, and now he has to make a big to-do about it, so that the other mascots don’t think it’s him.
But they all know.
First, the official name of the Villanova Wildcat is Will D. Cat. What does the D stand for? Second, when I googled “university of villanova” I saw this headline.
It appears that Will D. Cat is enraged by this behavior. Why are people using liquid LSD to get excited for the big game? Is his cheering not enough? Stay tuned for Will D. Cat’s existential crisis…
Notre Dame Fighting Irish:
Leprechauns are notoriously short, at least that’s I remember from that Disney Original Movie, Luck of the Irish. Does Disney even make those movies anymore? Anyway Leprechaun (that’s literally the mascot’s name), is clearly cupping his ear trying to hear what’s going on around him because he’s OBVIOUSLY way too short to be at a basketball game. Seriously, the players must be humongous compared to him.
University of Miami Hurricanes:
Yeah I have nothing else to say about Sebs the Ibis.
Indiana University Hoosiers:
“What is a Hoosier?” If you haven’t been asked this question at least 50 times, then you can’t really call yourself a Hoosier. Apparently no one at CBS Sports is a Hoosier cause they choose Tom Crean in candy striped pants doing the dab as IU’s mascot.
University of Maryland Terrapins:
Have you ever been to College Park, MD? That’s where UMD is. If you haven’t, you’re not missing much. I’ve been there on numerous occasions, and can assure you that Testudo’s hands? fins? turtle paws? are not raised upright in a cheering position, rather are around his head as he thinks “WHYYYY what did I do to deserve living the rest of my life (and don’t forget turtles live super long lives so Testudo is there for awhile) in College Park???” Oof.
Syracuse University Orange:
Once upon a time, Cuse was the Orangemen, until they realized that was sort of sexist, and you know what woman want to-and deserve to also be a citrus fruit. That glum face is the face of an a fruit who just realized that they represent a school in upstate New York, where an orange tree wouldn’t survive more than three months, thus they will be forever alone.
University of Oklahoma Sooners:
I hate this artistic representation of a horse. I had to research what OU’s mascot even was cause this horse looks like Miss Piggy’s male counterpart. He looks like that awkward guy in the corner of the Root Cellar on Disco Night who drank enough to start dancing, but he should probably never do that again.
University of Wisconsin Badgers:
Oh Bucky, you are definitely one of the cuter mascots in not just the BIG10, but in all of D1 sports. How CBS managed to make you look creepy is truly a testament to their…skills. Honestly, Bucky just looks really constipated. Too much beer and cheese curds probably.
Texas A&M Aggies:
I actually have nothing bad to say about Reveille. The Aggies’ mascot has it’s own website, explaining the rich history behind this adorable dog. Plus, the way that A&M got into the Sweet 16 is truly insane. All around, good job.
University of Oregon Ducks:
Oh my god this thing looks like Donald Duck if Donald Duck did a couple lines and his pupils enlarged by 50%. He is also a bit bow-legged and appears to be wearing fuzzy leg warmers. The two thumbs up though are a nice touch.
Hopefully the games will be better than these mascots. Go IU.