April 1, 2020 / 3:30 pm

Jay-Z Deletes Tidal’s Entire Music Library, Blames Windows

Famed American rapper and producer Jay-Z accidentally deleted every song from Tidal, the Norwegian music streaming service he owns.

The incident appears to have occurred last Sunday, when Jay-Z borrowed a friend’s laptop to write an essay for his The Magic School Bus book club.

“Y’see, I logged into Tidal on his computer so I could listen to my own music while I worked,” the rapper attempted to explain during a Skype interview, “and I realized that my friend was using Windows. Any self-respecting artist uses Apple products exclusively, so naturally, I had no idea what I was doing.”

He managed to log into Tidal but could go no further than that, due to Microsoft’s extraordinarily unintuitive interface. 

“I usually rely on that little man in the bottom corner of my MacBook to tell me what to do. He speaks to me. PC doesn’t have that. I really don’t know how anyone can do without him.” It should be noted that the rapper is referring to Finder, the file manager on Mac operating systems that does much less than he seems to think.

A frustrated Jay-Z then began mashing keys at random, somehow pressing the exact combination of buttons needed to remove Tidal’s entire music library.

“Why is that even an option?” Jay-Z asked us. “At what point would something like that be necessary?” 

In a panic, Jay-Z figured an apology was in order. He quickly recorded a clip of him saying “Sorry about that, y’all. We’re gonna figure this out,” with the intention of sending it to Tidal’s 14 subscribers. But Windows once again proved too difficult for the rapper, who instead somehow accidentally added 80,000 copies of the recording to the service’s library in the place of actual music.

“I’m telling you guys: without that little man, I’m lost. I’m marooned on a spit of sand, drifting helplessly through the unending void.”

Stockholders were not happy about this event, as the stock prices dropped into the negatives.

“We actually had to pay other people to take our shares,” said one concerned man with over 300,000 shares in the company. “I didn’t even know that was a thing that could happen. I lost, like, $8.”

Jay-Z has vowed to fix this issue as soon as he gets into contact with his IT person, which would require him to remember his Gmail password.

“The little man keeps track of those things for me. I miss him dearly.”