Excerpt: I turned myself into a totem, Morty! I’m Totem Rick!
I don’t know about you, but I’ve always wanted to know what kind of rave-goers TV characters would be. Steven Hyde from That 70s Show? Ultimate wook. I’m talking full-blown, with harem pants and pashmina on pashmina on pashmina. Louise from Bob’s Burgers would definitely be in a dinosaur onesie and most likely on her third tab of acid before the headliner even came on.
But we’re college students, so with our expanded brain power, we are lucky enough to understand the subtle nuance and deeply ingrained intellectual humor that Rick and Morty possesses. So if the main characters from the show were in the EDM scene, who would they be?
Beth Smith: The Mom
Beth is an essential member to every rave group. She’s the only one who’ll voluntarily carry the camelbak and the backpack full of everyone’s shit. She taps you on the shoulder mid-headbang to give you water and spots you when you’re on top of that guy’s shoulders. She packed sunscreen and bug spray and applies it on you before you’ve left the campsite. She brings at least two portable phone chargers and organizes a meeting spot for all of you if you get split up, but you won’t get split up because Beth keep tracks of everyone like the cool soccer mom she is. Even though she’s given herself the responsibility of taking care of everyone, Beth goes hard as shit when Space Jesus comes on.
Jerry Smith: The Weakling
Jerry swears he’s good to pregame at the campsite and gets blacked after his 7th shot. He gets stressed in large crowds which makes you wonder what he’s doing at this kind of event anyway. Jerry runs in the opposite direction when he sees moshpits and headbanging scares him. He likes Calvin Harris and Martin Garrix because they sound “happy.” Jerry doesn’t care that you’re running late to your favorite DJ because he’s waiting in line for a chili dog. The festival grounds close at 2 am each night but Jerry wants to leave at 10:30 because his feet hurt.
Summer Smith: The Rave Bae
Summer’s favorite part of festivals is buying the clothes for them. It’s 40 degrees outside but dammit she’s going to wear her fishnets and sequin booty shorts regardless. She ordered kandi and cuffs off of Etsy two weeks before going to Spring Awakening. Summer tries to ride rail and doesn’t realize she has to headbang over the rail rather than right above it and hits her head on straight metal. She laughs when this happens and continues to rave despite most likely having a concussion. She may or may not grind to dubstep depending on how many drinks she’s had. Summer will get a shoulder ride from a guy and when she gets off his shoulders, she’ll hug him and ask if he has any molly.
Morty Smith: The Surprise
Morty is shy in real life but the second the bass hits him, he turns into a completely different person. He whips out his LED gloves at every event and wears neon snapbacks and shutter glasses paired with his “Too Turnt” tank top. Morty starts the mosh pits and crowd surfs at Galantis. Everyone swears he’s on something but he’s 100% sober and “just feels the music.” He takes pictures next to girls and their spandex-clad asses but he asks permission first and trades kandi with them after. He compliments everyone on their totems and smiles at strangers next to him. He’ll put his arm around his friends while singing along to Alesso. He’s been practicing shuffling for a few months unbeknownst to his friends and makes room in the pit to break out some sick moves. He starts the “Seven Nation Army” chant in between the opener and headliner
Rick Sanchez: The Seasoned Wook
On his right wrist alone, Rick has about seven wristbands from seven different festivals, three of which no one’s heard of. He wears a hood complete with about 35 pins with at least 17 of them being Bassnectar. Even outside of raves, Rick can be seen in a baja hoodie, pashmina, harem pants and dusty combat boots. He’s somehow completely functional even after taking God knows what. Rick gladly does the swamp womp and doesn’t shower after but goes to bed in the same clothes. Everything Rick owns is tie-dye and he befriends everyone he meets. Rick is tagged in at least seven photos with people he met for the first time at the festival and he can’t remember any of them.