For reference, I’m directly ripping off this Grantland article, and that’s all the context you should need.
Everything on this list is based purely on hypotheticals. There’s always a nonzero chance that the musician you’re fighting actually has Anderson Silva-level chops and will lay you out. So again, don’t fight indie musicians.
With that in mind, here’s the list anyways.
Mac Demarco
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: NO
Mac Demarco was grown in a lab by Big Tobacco to fight the rise of vaping among middle class white kids and get them hooked on cheap cigarettes to be indie. Not only does this mean they’ll come after you if you ruin their investment, it also means that he can phase in and out of a smoke state like Reaper from Overwatch. Don’t do it. Don’t fight Mac Demarco.
Kurt Vile
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: NO
I get the feeling that Kurt Vile has the same temperament and tenacity of a roach. Even if you did win, he’s so grimy that you’d probably get some sort of infection and die later. Don’t fight Kurt Vile.
Kevin Parker (Tame Impala)
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: YES
“They say people never change, but that’s bullshit, they do.” You know what doesn’t change, Kevin Parker? The probability of you catching these hands for writing such a terrible line and then somehow getting a 9.3 from Pitchfork for it. See you at Maccas, you Aussie bastard.
Sufjan Stevens
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: NO
Sufjan would let you beat him up, but hurting Sufjan is like hurting a puppy, or a unicorn. I will personally hunt you down and break all 206 bones in your body if you if you lay a single finger on Sufjan. Don’t fight Sufjan.
John Darnielle (The Mountain Goats)
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: NO
John Darnielle is hands down the toughest motherfucker on this list. From his Wikipedia article:
"While We Shall All Be Healed focused on Darnielle's years as a teenager involved with other methamphetamine users, The Sunset Tree focuses on his childhood, and a recurring theme is domestic violence."
Don’t fight John Darnielle.
Alex Turner (Arctic Monkeys)
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: NO
You’d think that Alex Turner is just boneless Julian Casablancas, but all the hairgel he uses has made his head invulnerable, and he’s gotten very handy with a switchblade. That’s also not to mention that if you fight him, the rest of the band will show up and it’ll turn into a fight from West Side Story. Don’t do it, unless you have also have three other friends, four leather jackets, four cans of American Crew Pomade, four switchblades, and a wicked sense of rhythm.
Ezra Koenig (Vampire Weekend)
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: YES
I know everyone’s fawning over Neo Yokio because of that Toblerone scene and some jokes about communism, but it really wasn’t that good and I’m saying that as the ultra-ironic socialist teen that it’s clearly pandering to. He deserves to get faded for wasting his time on that instead of working on the new album.
Robin Pecknold (Fleet Foxes)
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: NO
Recently, my boy Luke made a comment on one of Fleet Foxes’ IG pics jokingly asking, “Pitchfork 2018?” and it got liked by the official Fleet Foxes IG account, basically confirming that they’re headlining Pitchfork this year. If you fight Robin Pecknold and take the opportunity to see them from Luke, he will kill you. Don’t do it.
Julian Casablancas (The Strokes)
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: NO
Filthy rich private boarding school kid who’s likely going through his midlife crisis right now- easy win, but would it be worth it? The man once basically codified the ‘00s garage rock revival aesthetic, but what is he now? He’s a shell of his former self. I mean, christ, he played Riot Fest. Also, his daddy would sue. Don’t do it.
Annie Clark (St. Vincent)
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: NO
Annie Clark’s exposure to jazz at Berklee has made her attack patterns unpredictable, and apparently even David Byrne couldn’t make heads or tails of who she really is even after a year of touring together and a joint album. She’s a wild card in the truest sense. Don’t do it.
Stu Mackenzie (King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard)
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: RATTLESNAKE
Rattlesnake. Rattlesnake. Rattlesnake. Rattlesnake. Rattlesnake. Rattlesnake. Rattlesnake. Rattlesnake. Rattle, rattle, rattle...
Grimes
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: YES
At the time of writing, Grimes’s last two tweets were about eating ants and getting permanent vampire veneers so she could bite people. Whatever happens, the result is bound to be entertaining. Just make sure it gets uploaded to Worldstarhiphop when it happens.
Jack White (The White Stripes)
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: MAYBE
Did you ever see It Might Get Loud? Jack White seems like the kind of dude who’d actually try to make a deal with the devil at the crossroads, which means that either he’s a fucking nerd who you could easily mollywhop, or it actually worked and he’ll use mystical demon powers to vaporize you. Personally, I wouldn’t risk it, but maybe you want to shake out a new album from him.
Meg White (The White Stripes)
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: NO
The reason no one has seen Meg White in like ten years is because she’s been training in an isolated Tibetian monastery like Iron Fist, but less racist. Her legs are like clubs and her hands like blades. She is stronger than steel and hardier than Chomolungma. Her last task was to climb to the top of Mt. Everest and kill a yeti with her bare hands. If you fight her, your funeral will have to be closed casket. Don’t do it.
Jeff Mangum (Neutral Milk Hotel)
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: NO
The fact that Jeff Mangum is a time traveller means that he can stop time using his stand, 「THE WORLD」, like Dio from Jojo. Just leave him and Astra/Caroline/Anne alone to their happily married life.
Father John Misty
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: NO
When Josh Tillman fell into the vat of pure, radioactive Irony™ that made him Father John Misty, he became more than human. He sees things that we don’t. Nothing he says makes an ounce of sense. Also, he microdoses on LSD. Don’t fight Father John Misty.
Morrissey
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: HELL YES
I didn’t include the odds because the odds don’t matter- you should fight Morrissey any chance you get. There is no one in America who will fault you for fighting Morrissey. In fact, I guarantee that people will straight up lend you their energy so you can spirit bomb him like in Dragonball Z. Fight Morrissey. Fight him for humanity.
(Sandy) Alex G
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: NO, BUT IF YOU DID, YOU’D BE SAFE
The dude makes solid, nondescript indie rock, so I don’t know why you’d want to fight him. But, if you do, I think you’d be safe- I saw Alex when he rolled into town at The Bishop, and the dude was like, 5’4” compared to his bandmates. Also, this LNWY article basically reveals his address, so he’d probably be the easiest one to find on this list.
Joanna Newsom
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: NO
I know she’s mainly known for making soft ethereal harp music, which would make you think at first that it’d be an easy fight. The thing that people always forget though is that she’s married to Andy Samberg, which indicates that he likely sees his same manic energy in her, which bodes extremely badly for you. Don’t.
