The Non-Football Super Bowl Recap

 

Well, that was fun. The Patriots won 28-24. Model, millionaire, super-model wife having Tom Brady won another Super Bowl that finally made him happy. And, everyone in America ate too many wings and slices of pizza. However, the Super Bowl is not really about the football but everything else, so we here at WIUX are going to recap everything that was really important from the commercials to Katy Perry. Let’s get started, shall we?

THE COMMERCIALS

The most integral part of any Super Bowl is the commercials.The theme this year seemed to be mediocrity because besides a few, they were very porous. However, because this is the most prestigious event of the year and everyone should decide for themselves we have rated every commercial throughout the game and posted them here for your viewing pleasure. 10’s the best and 1’s the Jets. Just a few precursors. Any commercial with a dog is automatically at least a 7 in my book. Just thought you should know that. Also, I’m skipping any NBC commercial because I’m still bitter about “Community” being cancelled and Tina Fey’s new show getting dropped from the network. So you can air a show called “The Slap” but not one from comedic genius Tina Fey. Geez Louise. Okay, on with the show.

FIRST HALF

CHEVY

1- This is not funny and Chevrolet should be fined for this. This Sopranos-like advertisement terrified the entire room for a brief moment thinking the television stopped working until we realized it was just a commercial. I want heads to roll. The marketing team should be fired and Charles Chevrolet should issue an apology to America.

TurboTax

5- I personally liked this one. It was clever and beautifully shot. Essentially, the ad states that if TurboTax was around during the Revolutionary War, peace would have conquered fighting and all would be right. Solid ad.

Toyota

2- In what was the first of many montages of someone working hard with inspirational historical quotes being uttered, I’m personally sick of these bland advertisements. Do something unique or funny or have a dog in a wig. It’s not that hard.

BMW

6- Another major theme for these Super Bowl commercials was looking back in history and comparing it to the present. This was that type of ad at its best and Bryant Gumbel and Katie Couric both sell it.

Snickers

7- Back-to-back good ads was a rarity but this commercial from Snickers was great. Having Danny Trejo as Marcia is an inspired casting choice while the laugh track and Steve Buscemi’s cameo make it a great one. Also, it’s really well done and the photoshopping is impeccable.

Coca-Cola

3- Apparently, Coca-Cola stops bullying. This ad is visually sound but there’s no real point to it. Just bland and easily forgettable. Where are the polar bears when you need them.

Foot Locker

4- Nick Cannon, the black Ryan Seacrest, gives his pitch to be the Trail Blazers official celebrity in a pretty lame commercial by Foot Locker standards. However, if Lillard broke Cannon’s ankles, it would have been a perfect 10…missed opportunity.

Cure.com

1- Hahahahahahaha. Deflated balls joke, really topical. Nice job. You were really creative and original.

Squarespace

7- I like to think that after this Jeff Bridges went bowling with Walter and Donny. Goddamn, Jeff Bridges is the best.

NoMore.org

8- Really powerful ad about domestic violence. Interesting approach and very well done.

Budweiser

9- Who put all these chopped onions in here? Why is it so dusty? *Bawling* Budweiser knows what it’s doing. Just make an ad focused on a dog and it’s great.

T-Mobile

5- I’d like to think that Kim Kardashian thought this was a really important PSA and not just a joke. Pretty good, not great. Couldn’t Kanye just interrupt the ad or something?

Avocados From Mexico

6- The commercial itself is pretty dull but the singing of “Avocado From Mexico” make it a fantastic advertisement.

Dove

3- Dove “makes a man stronger”? I knew something was missing from my weightlifting routine.

Nationwide

4- I don’t get the Mindy Kaling hype, I feel like I’m missing something. I mean she was fine in “The Office” and all but does she deserve her own Super Bowl commercial? On the other hand, Matt Damon is the best and just his presence gives the ad a few points.

Nationwide

7- Now this is a terrible, terrible ad but it’s my favorite by far. The Fight Club twist of a happy boy and dog and then BOOM, he’s been dead the whole time. I mean, who thinks of this stuff? Did a group of Nationwide executives look at this ad and think, “Yeah, now everyone will connect Nationwide to child deaths. That’ll be great.” Fantastic stuff, Nationwide.

Weight Watchers

3- Watching this ad made me hungry. I don’t think that’s the correct response.

WeatherTech

2- All you had to do to get a 7 was put a dog in an adorable hat. What are you doing, WeatherTech?

McDonalds

4- I feel like my mom liked this commercial. It’s fine and all but if I was going to be lectured by a major fast food conglomerate about connecting with family, I was sorta hoping it’d be from Burger King.

200_s

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fiat

10- Funniest commercial of the night. Fiat really knew what they were doing on this one and the last phrase, “Bigger, More Powerful and Ready for Action” is the icing on the cake. Good job, Fiat.

GoDaddy

2- I was expecting to give a Danica Patrick GoDaddy ad a 2 but instead I’ll just give this boring, bland GoDaddy ad a 2.

Skittles

7- There’s a dog in the ad so it’s mandatory that I give it a 7 but if there wasn’t one I’d probably give it a 4 or 5. That really is all you need to win me over. Quick thinking, Skittles.

Nissan

3- “My NASCAR driving dad drives a Nissan so I’ll forgive him for basically abandoning my family.”

Carnival

4- Hey, look. Another montage with a historical speech. Really original. For a cruiseline with such a fun name, you would think they could make a not-bleh Super Bowl commercial.

Doritos

6- Funny ad but more importantly a quick rant. There is always a baby on an airplane. I feel like it’s a national law or something. It’s ridiculous and why do they always sit in the row right behind me? I feel like everyone’s just playing a joke on me or something. Argh! Rant over.

Esurance

7- I miss “Breaking Bad” so much and any time Bryan Cranston is on the television screen, it’s a win. Why couldn’t Aaron Paul show up? Where’s Jesse? Where did he drive to? What was his plan? Is he making meth again? Sigh, I really miss “Breaking Bad”.

Microsoft

5- This commercial was a magnificent feat. Oh god, that’s awful. I’m sorry. I don’t even have a leg to stand on. Oh no. Uhh, I’ll see myself out.

Toyota

4- Man, Toyota’s really going all-in on trying to make the viewers cry. When did the Super Bowl commercials become so sad? Isn’t this supposed to be a fun event?

Second Half

Always

8- Really well done. See, everyone else, you don’t have to make it sappy or unbelievably depressing to create a powerful commercial. Nice job!

Skechers

6- That was good, I guess. A little chuckle at the end. However, what I really want to focus on is the brandname Skechers. Have you ever really looked at it before? Really weird name. Say it over and over to yourself. Just odd.

T-Mobile

5- Sarah Silverman’s great. Chelsea Handler…not so much. On the bright side, Silverman saying, “Sorry it’s a boy” is a fantastic one-liner.

Mercedes Benz

3- “We can’t really think of a good idea so let’s just use the story of the Tortoise and the Hare.”

“Nice job, Bob. Let’s go out to lunch. I think you’re gonna get that promotion.”

Scientology

1- Read This

Heroes Charge

2- How do these apps get the money for these commercials? Who’s supporting this? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.

Mophie

7- There’s a dog so it’s a 7. Probably should be a 3.

Bud Light

6- I’m just giving it a 6 because hopefully someone from Bud Light headquarters will read this and let me play real-life Pacman.

Wix.com

4- I thought Brett Favre would stay away from the Internet after that whole nude picture fiasco.

Sprint

3- You get it? The donkey actually stands for something else. Hahaha, high comedy. Ugh!

Kia

4- “Celebrity cameo (Pierce Brosnan)-CHECK. We show the car driving up steep hills-CHECK. We say Kia at the end-CHECK. Oh wait, we forgot to make it interesting. Whatever, no one will notice.”

Lexus

5- This commercial is impressive to me because I’m such an awful driver. Like really, really, really bad. I wish I could drive like that but alas.

Victoria’s Secret

9- Next!

NASCAR

6- Nick Offerman will be my best friend eventually. I just gotta meet him. That’s all.

Katy Perry

I just wanna give a few opinions about the halftime show. It was visually stunning and Perry lip-synced her butt off. The second best part were the sharks. They were amazing and I have heard rumors that the sharks will be performing in a special concert hosted by WIUX. Stay tuned.

The best part was MISSY ELLIOTT!

How do you not love “Work It”? It’s going to be stuck in my head for the next month but it’s totally worth it.

Movie Trailers

The final part of this Non-Football recap will be my ranking of the movie trailers. This is the definitive ranking of how great these movies will be in order from worst to best. It’s definitive so you can’t disagree.

14. Kingsman: The Secret Service

13. Insurgent

12. Seventh Son

Terminator Genisys- Do they know that they spelled Genesis incorrectly?

11. Unfinished Business

10. Furious 7

9. Fifty Shades of Grey

8. SpongeBob: Sponge Out Of Water

7. Hot Tub Time Machine 2

6. Inside Out

5. Tomorrowland

4. Jurassic World

3. Ted 2

2. Minions

1. Pitch Perfect 2

If you got through all of this, I thank you and hope that we can do this again next year when the New York Jets play the Cleveland Browns.

Follow Greg on Twitter @gott31 and listen to him on “The Roundtable” Thursdays from 6-7pm