Life’s Definitive Rankings

Everything in life is ranked. Whether it be power rankings for sports or ranking ones favorite shows, ranks can be applied to everything. This article sets the definitive rankings for several different disputed topics.

Let the debate end!

Best Players in NBA (2017 Season)

  1. James Harden
  2. Kawhi Leonard
  3. Russell Westbrook
  4. Kevin Durant
  5. LeBron James

Durant might have won the title with Golden State this year, but the crown for best player in the league still belongs to LeBron. James averaged a triple double in the NBA Finals, but was stuck facing an offensive and defensive juggernaut without the star power to match up against the Warriors.

Medical Doctors

5. Dr. Doogie Howser

4. Dr. Gregory House

3. Dr. Drake Ramorey

2. Dr. Christopher Turk

1. Dr. John Dorian

Nanananana!

(*Honorable Mention Twitter Account*)

Coolest Super Smash Bros. Characters

5. Little Mac

4. Greninja

3. Captain Falcon

4. Alph

5. Cloud

Have you seen Cloud’s sword?

Best Rap Nickname (Gucci Mane Version)

5. Trap God

4.The Machine

3. Big Guwop

2.Gucci Mane La Flare

1. East Atlanta Santa

Fun fact: Gucci Mane, upon being released from a Terre Haute, IN prison not long ago, proposed to his girlfriend at an Atlanta Hawks game during Gucci Mane night.

Cars

5.Ferrari

4. The Cars

3. Lightning McQueen

2. Matchbox

1. Hot Wheels

At last, the debate over Hot Wheels and Matchbox is brought to an end.

Most Hated Sports Teams

5. Golden State Warriors

4. Chicago Cubs

3. Duke Blue Devils

2. New York Yankees

1. New England Patriots

This picture about sums it up.

Famous Men Named Calvin

5. President Calvin Coolidge

4. Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes

3. Calvin “Cal” Ripken Jr.

2. Calvin Johnson

1. Calvin Klein

One was our 30th President, one is best friends with a tiger, another a Hall of Fame Shortstop, one is nicknamed after a Transformer, and one produced some of the most comfortable underwear on the market today.

Bears

5. Chicago Bears

4. Blackbear

3. Grizzly Bear

2. Polar Bear

1. Winnie The Pooh

All Pooh does is relax, play around, eat honey, and hit dingers.
Bands With An Animal In Their Name

5. Gorillaz

4. The Eagles

3. Cage The Elephant

2. Def Leppard

1. The Beatles

Can’t go wrong with (some of) the classics.

Restaurants That Specialize in Chicken

5. KFC

4. Popeye’s

3. Huey Magoo’s

2. Chick-Fil-A

1. Zaxby’s

Upset alert! Not only is Zaxby’s open on Sunday, but their Zax sauce is the superior dipping sauce on the market, bar none.

Types of Rocks

5. Igneous rocks.

4. Rocky Balboa

3. A$AP Rocky

2. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson

1. Rocky the Rock

Twitter saw it first!

Shades of Red

5. Rose

4. Maroon

3. Crimson
2. Ruby

1. Burgundy

I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books, and my apartment smells of rich mahogany. (Mahogany: also a shade of red!)

Fruits

5. Apples

4. Strawberries

3. Passionfruit

2. Grapefruit

1. Jackfruit

Jackfruit – the only fruit that can weigh as much as a young child.

Idioms

5. Whole nine yards

4. Method to the madness

3. Every cloud has a silver lining

2. Burn the midnight oil

1. Let bygones be bygones

I was entirely unaware of what a bygone was until recently, and still cannot think of another instance where one uses it except for in this idiom.

Time

5. Past

4, Distant Future

3. Future

2. Near Future

1. Present

Speaking of idioms – there’s no better time than the present!

Top Twitter Follows (Non- @luke_hallett Edition)

5. @Faux_Gruden

4. @CaptAndrewLuck

3. @CrimsonQuarry

2. @LeBetardShow

1. @SheaSerrano

Never have I followed a man so funny and candid as Shea Serrano.

Types of Bands

5. Boy band

4. Jazz band

3. Symphonic band

2. Marching band

1. Cantina band

December 15th!

Greatest Athlete Names

5. Milton Bradley

4. D’Brickashaw Ferguson

3. Metta World Peace

2. Jim Bob Cooter

1. Coco Crisp

Only with a name like Coco Crisp can you pull off a hairstyle like this.

 

Rappers with the Prefix of “Lil”

5. Lil B

4. Lil Dicky

3. Lil Uzi Vert

2. Lil Yachty

1. Lil Wayne

“Weezy F baby and the F is for phenomenal”

Ranking Websites (Non-WIUX Edition)

5. Buzzfeed

4. Ranker.com

3. ESPN.com

2. The Ringer

1. Grantland

Gone but not forgotten.

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